| "Life is short and full of blisters," sighed the elderly | | | | came down to the levee to watch the goings |
| southern gentlemen as we exchanged | | | | on.Dad always took along a plug of chewing |
| confidences about our various problems.That | | | | tobacco to pass around and loosen the tongues |
| seemed to sum up our mutual outlook on the | | | | of the old-timers. It didn't take much. I got to |
| vagaries of human existence, so we shook hands | | | | keep the little, tin, brand tags on the plugs - such |
| and went our separate ways.That succinct | | | | as "Tin Star," "Red Coon," and "Bull of the |
| sentence has returned to memory often since I | | | | Woods." They were prized collectibles."You boys |
| first heard it several years ago - partly because | | | | remember any of the old brags?" Dad would say, |
| of its homey philosophy, but mostly because it is | | | | as he stuffed in a chaw of terbakker. Then I |
| a draught of cool water to this writer who has | | | | snapped to attention. One brag I remember went |
| wandered long in a language desert searching for | | | | something like this:"I'm half horse, half alligator, |
| oasises.I have come to realize that the colorful | | | | with a little touch of snapping turtle, clumb a |
| language of my youth in the South has nearly | | | | streak of lightning, slid down a locust tree a |
| disappeared from the American scene. We speak | | | | hundred feet high, with a wildcat under each arm, |
| in precise phrases, short sentences, business-like | | | | and never got a scratch. Whoopee-yip-ho!"I come |
| declarations. Efficient, but drab.When I was | | | | to this country riding a catamount, whipping him |
| growing up "down home" it was common for | | | | over the head with a forty-five and picking my |
| folks to sprinkle their conversation with | | | | teeth with a rattlesnake, using a cactus for a piller. |
| colloquialisms. "Shoveling smoke," or "Money thinks | | | | Whe-e-e! I'm a two-gun cuss and a very bad |
| I'm dead," or "A day late, and a dollar short," or | | | | man, and it won't do to monkey with me. |
| "If they put your brains in a jaybird, it'd fly | | | | Whoopee! "I was raised in the backwoods, suckled |
| backwards."What we need are more inventive | | | | by a grizzly bear, got nine rows of jaw teeth and |
| talkers - like my Uncle Hooky Brown. He | | | | holes punched for more, a double coat of hair, |
| appreciated the fine points of discourse.Hooky | | | | steel ribs, boiler tube intestines, a barbed wire tail, |
| dearly loved clerking in the general store at | | | | and I don't give a damn where I drag it. |
| Bradford, Tennessee. He built up a big trade | | | | Whoopee-wee-a-ha!"* * *Frontiersmen took great |
| because he was the best entertainment that side | | | | pride in their personal yells, or brags, elaborating |
| of the Mississippi.At the conclusion of each sale, | | | | on them through the years. Generally they were |
| while sacking items purchased, he rattled off - in | | | | given preliminary to good-natured "tussling" or |
| one breath -- a long list of improbable | | | | roughhousing.Brags also were a way of |
| commodities the customer might have forgotten | | | | announcing their presence at a strange saloon |
| to order. It was a symphony of dialog in a minute | | | | where they wanted to make friends quickly. A |
| waltz:"Thank you kindly, Miz Boone, and will there | | | | creative brag usually was rewarded with a free |
| be anything else | | | | beer.A bar room sally went something like |
| sblackeyedpeasprunessealingwax | | | | this:"Hey, look at me! I'm the genuine article, a real |
| polishfurniturepolishsilverpolish | | | | double-acting engine. I'm a hard customer that can |
| ermintstickcheeseclothneedles | | | | lick any man here. If you don't believe it, step up |
| flowerseedssidemeatbuckshot or button hooks?" | | | | and try me. I can out-run, out-jump, out-swim, |
| The spiel varied - depending on the customer's | | | | chaw more tabaccy and spit less, drink more |
| sense of humor. It was fun to try and figure out | | | | whiskey and keep soberer, than any man in these |
| what he was trying to get you to buy. You figure | | | | localities. Come out some of you and die decently, |
| it out.Once in awhile he would get caught by his | | | | for I'm spieling fer a fight."* * *The best roarers |
| tomfoolery. A sly customer would reply, "Why, | | | | were river men who drifted up and down the |
| yes, now that you mention it. I'll have a dozen | | | | Mississippi without calling any place home until they |
| corset stays.""Yes, Mam," Hooky would say | | | | got too old to haul a hawser. Once I heard this |
| without hesitation. "We're fresh out just this | | | | magnificent boast at the Caruthersville |
| morning. I'll have a box of them for you | | | | levee:"Yah-hoo! I'm the old original iron-jawed, |
| tomorrow. Would you care to make a ten-dollar | | | | brass-mounted, copper-bellied corpse-maker from |
| deposit?"* * *Salty talkers in the olden days | | | | the wilds of Arkansaw. They call be Sudden |
| abounded everywhere. Hey-day of "rip-tail | | | | Death and General Desolation. "Sired by a |
| roarers" had nearly vanished in my childhood as | | | | hurricane. Damn'd by an earthquake. Half-brother |
| regular fare. Nonetheless, we kids in small, | | | | to the cholera. Nearly related to the small pox on |
| southern towns could still coax old-timers to recite | | | | my mother's side. "Look at me! I take nineteen |
| the brags and yells they learned as young ranch | | | | alligators and a bar'l of whiskey for breakfast |
| hands, lumberjacks or riverboat stevedores.Roars | | | | when I'm in robust health, and a bushel of |
| once were the fashion among rough, hardworking | | | | rattlesnakes and a dead body when I'm ailing. I |
| men. They made a dent in my youthful | | | | split the everlasting rocks with my glance, and I |
| memory.When I was nine, at Caruthersville, | | | | squench the thunder when I speak. |
| Missouri, my father would take me to the levee | | | | Whoo-op!"Stand back and give me room |
| at the foot of Main Street to watch the Mississippi | | | | according to my strength. Blood's my natural |
| cotton boats tie up for cotton bales.When there | | | | drink, and the wails of the dying is music to my |
| was loading, the good old boys -- who usually | | | | ears. Cast your eyes on me, gentlemen. |
| whiled away the time around the courthouse -- | | | | |