| I've got nothing against Philadelphia, let me make | | | | about this Corona was a Phil Hendrie character |
| that clear. I've also never lived there, but did | | | | who lived there, the oft-humiliated and always |
| spend a few years there on several weekends, | | | | litigious Steve Bosell. I now know that Corona's |
| to paraphrase W.C. Fields. And even though cold, | | | | also home to the best bagels I've had in years, |
| grey, rainy days could remind me of New York or | | | | from N.Y.P.D. (for pizza department). The owners |
| Baltimore, where I actually have lived, they | | | | used to own the Bagel Oasis on the Horace |
| always make me think of Philadelphia in | | | | Harding Expressway (fancy name for a service |
| wintertime. Like today, when Southern California is | | | | road if you ask me), in - you guessed it - Queens, |
| anything but sunny, where intimidated drivers | | | | where I used to stop and stock up on my way |
| creep through rivers of standing water while | | | | back to Manhattan from band rehearsals, long |
| daredevils swerve around them, wheels deep in | | | | about thirty years ago. It's a small world, by |
| the muck, throwing up rooster tails like offshore | | | | cracky, even under the big sky. |
| power boats, just before they lose control and | | | | Meanwhile, my son's still chanting his latest |
| start sliding sideways down Ventura Boulevard. | | | | favorite "novelty tune," as we used to call them. I |
| Thank God it doesn't snow here. I'm eager to get | | | | was mystified when he and his mates became |
| back to Miami. | | | | Weird Al fans a year ago, and rewarded them |
| My nine-year-old is with me in the truck, on our | | | | with a seminar on Roger Miller, Jim Lehrer and |
| way back from his friend's house. He's chanting a | | | | Ray Stevens that made their eyes glaze over. |
| rap lyric about an ultimate showdown of cartoon | | | | These days, folks don't seem to work so hard on |
| heroes and tough guys. Over and over again. He's | | | | satire, delivering the large-type edition, dumbed |
| been chanting it since last weekend, when he | | | | down to make sure the audience gets it. Doesn't |
| learned it from his teammates at a soccer | | | | mean it's not funny, just not so original. I mean, |
| tournament in Corona (not the one in Queens | | | | where's Ian Dury when you need him? |
| where the best Italian ices come from). No, this | | | | It's still raining, but we're almost home, and my |
| Corona's out near Riverside, on the edge of a | | | | son's almost done (timing is everything). He's |
| huge valley between mountains that really do turn | | | | reached the climax of his ultimate showdown |
| purple with the sunset. When you get up on the | | | | song, where Mr. Rogers slays everyone who isn't |
| Westbound I-91 ramp in the dark, the scale of it | | | | already dead, then, for reasons I'll never |
| all just smacks you in the face, especially if you're | | | | understand, commits hara-kiri. Maybe we are |
| an East Coast boy like me. There's a vast valley | | | | Devo, after all. I remain hopeful, though, |
| floor, covered with a bed of lights, all at the same | | | | whenever I see my son cracking up over a |
| height, spreading like Georgia kudzu to the bases | | | | smart Monty Python sketch, like the soccer |
| of mountains all around. No high-rises out here. | | | | match between the Bournemouth Gynecologists |
| Don't need 'em. This is big country, with plenty of | | | | and the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators. |
| floor space. | | | | Then again, those guys also did the fish-slapping |
| Until last weekend, the only data point in my head | | | | dance. |