| One of the most fascinating aspects of
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| | and is never far away. One awful day a
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| Marine Surveying is that on the day of
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| | couple of years ago I had a survey on a
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| inspection you never really know what you
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| | large powerboat for a Doctor client. From
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| are in for. I have been involved, one way
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| | the moment we met my client had largely
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| or another, with all kinds of boats for
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| | ignored me and brought along some posh
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| over thirty years and I reckon the motto
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| | mates for the survey day. It was clear
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| of the surveyor should be "expect the
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| | from minute one he had his own agenda and
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| unexpected". In a deadly serious business
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| | when I had tried to explain the vessel was
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| where people's lives and tens of thousands
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| | now considered a workplace and all through
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| of other people's dollars are at risk, it
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| | the pre-inspection drill I was talked down
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| pays to develop a few necessary skills,
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| | and ignored.
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| patience and diplomacy amongst them, when
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| | Finally, he grandly stood up and handed
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| dealing with often tense and sometimes
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| | everyone a sheet of paper and said,
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| downright hostile situations.
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| | "Right ho, you do your survey, we'll do
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| My early associations with boats began on
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| | ours and we will meet on the bridge in an
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| the River Thames where my boat building
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| | hour to compare notes."
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| life was in the mud and freezing mists of
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| | With that, off he rushed and fell
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| various boatyards. The figure of the
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| | immediately down the engine hatch and
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| surveyor was different then. He wore a
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| | disappeared. Thunderstruck, we hauled him
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| tie, clean clothes and was treated with
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| | out after his doctor yachtie mates
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| that rare commodity, respect. His word
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| | pronounced him unhurt apart from severe
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| was law, you didn't argue with him, he had
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| | winding and bruises. He was extremely
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| knowledge and even the crusty old
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| | lucky not to have been severely hurt and
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| shipwrights nodded to him and scuttled
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| | was shaken enough to meekly hand over the
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| about when 'the surveyor' came to visit.
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| | reigns to me once more.
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| That these venerable figures had anything
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| | "Well," I murmured consolingly, "this
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| so outlandish a thing as a sense of humour
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| | really is what I am here to do in the
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| was inconceivable. One drizzly grey
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| | first place."
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| morning, an important customer was having
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| | Secretly, I had been terrified he had
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| his pride and joy up on the slips and the
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| | broken his back in the fall….phew, what
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| pompous owner was giving everyone a hard
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| | a day!
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| time. The surveyor was expected and it
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| | In many cases, surveyors encounter total
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| was clear the owner was on edge and
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| | hostility from the boat owner and if the
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| determined to appear in charge.
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| | broker conspires with him, God help you.
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| When the surveyor arrived the owner made a
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| | I was at Manly and had to inspect a
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| beeline straight for him and in a
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| | beautiful timber Halvorsen Cruiser. The
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| condescending manner bellowed,
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| | owner, a German was glaring at me and
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| "Where have you been, I am in a hurry and
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| | wouldn't even return my greeting. The
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| can't hang about all day. There's nothing
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| | broker, someone I hadn't met before,
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| wrong with this boat, it's perfect
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| | clearly was the spokesman for them.
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| everywhere and doesn't even need a survey,
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| | "Don't take too long, don't touch or
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| we just need it re-insured."
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| | damage anything and don't expect to find
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| The surveyor said nothing, proceeded
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| | anything wrong with the boat, he is a
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| immediately and carried out a long and
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| | retired boat builder and he won't
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| thorough inspection. Finally, he finished
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| | appreciate any meddling!"
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| and slowly screwed the top onto his Parker
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| | We hauled the boat on the slip and I was
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| Fountain pen. A hush fell over the yard
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| | about to sound the bottom with the wooden
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| as the surveyor and owner faced each
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| | hammer end when the bristling owner
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| other.
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| | confronted me….
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| "Well, what's the verdict, eh, Mister
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| | "Vot choo gonna do vis dat?"
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| surveyor?" snorted the owner.
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| | "…Well, I am going to…"
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| The surveyor looked him in the eye and
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| | "Don't choo bloody toucha zis boat vis dat
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| loudly but slowly replied,
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| | hammer, no knife, no bloody spike, doan go
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| "The garboards rotted, the frames are
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| | near it!"
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| cracked and the only thing holding that
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| | "Ok then, tell me how I am supposed to
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| bloody thing afloat is the worms holding
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| | sound the timber, you are a boat builder
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| hands, get it fixed….ten quid please!"
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| | aren't you?"
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| He handed the gob smacked owner his
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| | "OK mate, you test ze boat vis your
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| invoice, turned on his heel and swept off
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| | knuckle like zis!" and he rapped on the
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| back to his old black Morris! Fantastic!
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| | boats bottom. "Like zis, get it!"
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| I never forgot that and I never dreamed in
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| | "Ok" I said handing him the hammer, "You
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| those days I would actually end up being a
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| | survey the boat and I'll learn how you do
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| surveyor but here I am and I must admit
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| | it!"
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| there can be some funny things every now
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| | Angrily, he snatched my little toffee
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| and then.
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| | hammer, threw it on the ground and started
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| Another instance, involved me going off
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| | to rap on the boat with his knuckles.
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| with my boss who was a surveyor, diver,
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| | After he'd done that for about two feet
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| salvage and boat repairman, to an old
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| | he'd hurt his hand enough to stop.
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| decrepit houseboat to check out a serious
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| | "Now you..come on, you are ze clever
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| leak. Irvine, my boss, had pulled up a
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| | surveyor!"
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| hatch in the floor and shone his torch
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| | "No, no," I said, "You are going a good
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| into the flooded bilges.
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| | job, only another thirty feet left."
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| "Where's your automatic bilge pumps?" said
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| | After another two knuckle bruising minutes
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| Irvine.
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| | he'd really had enough.
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| "Haven't got none," shrugged the man.
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| | "Now I gotta go to ze toilet, now you
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| "Just turn the pump on by hand when it
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| | finish it off!"
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| gits t' the level of the floorboards."
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| | "OK," I said and started to tap the hull
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| Suddenly the man's wife piped up behind
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| | with my knuckles. He waited until he was
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| him,
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| | satisfied and then rushed off. I grabbed
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| "Why dontcha tell 'im the truth, he's bin
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| | my wooden mallet and said to the client.
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| sleeping wiv his arm out the bed for
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| | "Keep a look out and call me when he's
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| years. When 'is hand gets wet, 'e gets up
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| | back!"
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| and turns the pump on. 'Cept the other
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| | Sure enough within a couple of moments I
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| night he came back from the pub drunk, the
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| | found what our little man had been trying
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| water level crept up 'is arm, he peed the
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| | to conceal all along, the whole keel had
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| bed, woke 'imself up and if he hadn't of,
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| | been hastily and recently replaced with
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| we would 'ave sunk…that's why your
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| | softwood and rotted out. When he returned
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| 'ere."
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| | I said,
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| Priceless stuff …. How could you keep a
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| | "It's a good method the knuckle rap, I
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| straight face.
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| | don't think I would have discovered this
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| However, I must admit I have had my
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| | rotted keel without it," and smiled
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| moments and a classic, which I think about
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| | sweetly.
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| often, is the houseboat for sale on the
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| | He knew… I knew… he was mad… I was
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| Gold Coast. The client had seen the
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| | relieved… game over! I could live to
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| advert in the local paper "Houseboat for
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| | fight another day!!
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| sale, $7,000, needs a handyman." Agreeing
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| | One of the worst things for a surveyor is
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| to meet him at the beach location we were
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| | when a client brings 'learned friends'
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| soon both pretty speechless. It needed a
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| | along to 'help out the surveyor'. It is
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| handyman all right, there it was just the
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| | something you really don't need and you
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| cabin top poking out of the water…sunk!
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| | have to put your foot down with a firm
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| The owner even rang later to see how the
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| | hand. What folks don't realise is that it
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| survey had gone…what a nerve!
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| | is a very nerve wracking and often an
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| Many great moments on surveys arrive
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| | emotional time for the selling owner.
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| unexpectedly. I was at Hope Harbor on a
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| | They often don't want to sell their pride
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| very smart, large 'Taiwan Trawler' vessel,
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| | and joy and the last thing they need is an
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| in beautiful condition for its year. The
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| | army of strangers willfully vandalizing
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| owner was very trim, smart and wore large
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| | their boat. One horrible day this
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| gold rings on his fingers and incessantly
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| | happened and the client who had requested
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| smoked large cigars, although always out
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| | the survey was accompanied by at least
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| on deck. Once again, he was a fearsomely
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| | four burly boaties armed with pointy
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| proud owner and was airily proclaiming how
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| | things and all encompassing knowledge. As
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| much he had spent on maintenance and
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| | the boat was slipped, my client and his
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| upkeep of his smart boat. Truly, he had
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| | mates all charged forward and started
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| spent thousands and he was most eager when
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| | chipping and hacking away at the exposed
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| I asked to inspect the chain locker and
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| | rudder, props and bottom. I was left
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| winch. I removed the hatch and was amazed
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| | standing next to a man that was clearly
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| to see a gleaming new pile of shiny 3/8
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| | the owner. He was red with rage and
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| stainless steel anchor chain.
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| | shouted at me,
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| He was beside himself with pride and he
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| | "Which one of those bastards is the
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| puffed himself up when he said,
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| | surveyor?"
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| "Three grand that were….plus fifteen
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| | Silently, I pointed to my chest, "Me,
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| hundred for the stainless anchor, up top."
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| | actually."
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| I wasn't just impressed but amazed when my
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| | He charged off swearing horribly and
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| searching fingers found the loose end of
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| | dispersed the mob with threats too
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| the chain and the loose shackle next to
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| | horrible to hear, ripping knives out of
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| it. Quickly realizing he must have
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| | their hands and with fierce shoves.
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| forgotten to attach the brand new chain to
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| | Needless to say, they all sloped off to
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| the boat, I seized the moment, withdrew
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| | the pub somewhere and thankfully stayed
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| the shiny shackle and said seriously,
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| | out of sight. You just don't do that sort
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| "Mm, well if you ever do put this nice new
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| | of thing do you?
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| chain into that dirty old water, you'd
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| | Now, all this stuff doesn't happen every
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| better remember to tie it on with this!"
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| | day but you can bet your boots something's
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| and I dropped it into his hand.
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| | always around the corner. Often it is
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| Realisation dawning, he sagged visibly.
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| | scary, other times embarrassing but every
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| "Ooh, bloody hell" with a trace of a
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| | now and again something pops up and brings
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| Yorkshire accent, "Ooh, you won't tell the
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| | a bit of sunshine into the life of a poor
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| wife about this, will ya?"
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| | downtrodden, much maligned old dog of a
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| You'd give a grand in cash to relive a
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| | surveyor!! Who knows, one day I might even
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| moment like that, wouldn't you? He was
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| | write a book about it all when the mental
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| very quiet for the rest of the survey.
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| | scars have finally healed over!
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| Disaster is always lurking for the unwary
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