| One of the most fascinating aspects of Marine | | | | You'd give a grand in cash to relive a moment like |
| Surveying is that on the day of inspection you | | | | that, wouldn't you? He was very quiet for the |
| never really know what you are in for. I have | | | | rest of the survey. |
| been involved, one way or another, with all kinds | | | | Disaster is always lurking for the unwary and is |
| of boats for over thirty years and I reckon the | | | | never far away. One awful day a couple of years |
| motto of the surveyor should be "expect the | | | | ago I had a survey on a large powerboat for a |
| unexpected". In a deadly serious business where | | | | Doctor client. From the moment we met my |
| people's lives and tens of thousands of other | | | | client had largely ignored me and brought along |
| people's dollars are at risk, it pays to develop a | | | | some posh mates for the survey day. It was |
| few necessary skills, patience and diplomacy | | | | clear from minute one he had his own agenda and |
| amongst them, when dealing with often tense and | | | | when I had tried to explain the vessel was now |
| sometimes downright hostile situations. | | | | considered a workplace and all through the |
| My early associations with boats began on the | | | | pre-inspection drill I was talked down and ignored. |
| River Thames where my boat building life was in | | | | Finally, he grandly stood up and handed everyone |
| the mud and freezing mists of various boatyards. | | | | a sheet of paper and said, |
| The figure of the surveyor was different then. He | | | | "Right ho, you do your survey, we'll do ours and |
| wore a tie, clean clothes and was treated with | | | | we will meet on the bridge in an hour to compare |
| that rare commodity, respect. His word was law, | | | | notes." |
| you didn't argue with him, he had knowledge and | | | | With that, off he rushed and fell immediately |
| even the crusty old shipwrights nodded to him | | | | down the engine hatch and disappeared. |
| and scuttled about when 'the surveyor' came to | | | | Thunderstruck, we hauled him out after his doctor |
| visit. That these venerable figures had anything so | | | | yachtie mates pronounced him unhurt apart from |
| outlandish a thing as a sense of humour was | | | | severe winding and bruises. He was extremely |
| inconceivable. One drizzly grey morning, an | | | | lucky not to have been severely hurt and was |
| important customer was having his pride and joy | | | | shaken enough to meekly hand over the reigns to |
| up on the slips and the pompous owner was | | | | me once more. |
| giving everyone a hard time. The surveyor was | | | | "Well," I murmured consolingly, "this really is what |
| expected and it was clear the owner was on | | | | I am here to do in the first place." |
| edge and determined to appear in charge. | | | | Secretly, I had been terrified he had broken his |
| When the surveyor arrived the owner made a | | | | back in the fall….phew, what a day! |
| beeline straight for him and in a condescending | | | | In many cases, surveyors encounter total hostility |
| manner bellowed, | | | | from the boat owner and if the broker conspires |
| "Where have you been, I am in a hurry and can't | | | | with him, God help you. I was at Manly and had to |
| hang about all day. There's nothing wrong with this | | | | inspect a beautiful timber Halvorsen Cruiser. The |
| boat, it's perfect everywhere and doesn't even | | | | owner, a German was glaring at me and wouldn't |
| need a survey, we just need it re-insured." | | | | even return my greeting. The broker, someone I |
| The surveyor said nothing, proceeded immediately | | | | hadn't met before, clearly was the spokesman for |
| and carried out a long and thorough inspection. | | | | them. |
| Finally, he finished and slowly screwed the top | | | | "Don't take too long, don't touch or damage |
| onto his Parker Fountain pen. A hush fell over the | | | | anything and don't expect to find anything wrong |
| yard as the surveyor and owner faced each | | | | with the boat, he is a retired boat builder and he |
| other. | | | | won't appreciate any meddling!" |
| "Well, what's the verdict, eh, Mister surveyor?" | | | | We hauled the boat on the slip and I was about |
| snorted the owner. | | | | to sound the bottom with the wooden hammer |
| The surveyor looked him in the eye and loudly | | | | end when the bristling owner confronted |
| but slowly replied, | | | | me…. |
| "The garboards rotted, the frames are cracked | | | | "Vot choo gonna do vis dat?" |
| and the only thing holding that bloody thing afloat | | | | "…Well, I am going to…" |
| is the worms holding hands, get it | | | | "Don't choo bloody toucha zis boat vis dat |
| fixed….ten quid please!" | | | | hammer, no knife, no bloody spike, doan go near |
| He handed the gob smacked owner his invoice, | | | | it!" |
| turned on his heel and swept off back to his old | | | | "Ok then, tell me how I am supposed to sound |
| black Morris! Fantastic! I never forgot that and I | | | | the timber, you are a boat builder aren't you?" |
| never dreamed in those days I would actually end | | | | "OK mate, you test ze boat vis your knuckle like |
| up being a surveyor but here I am and I must | | | | zis!" and he rapped on the boats bottom. "Like zis, |
| admit there can be some funny things every now | | | | get it!" |
| and then. | | | | "Ok" I said handing him the hammer, "You survey |
| Another instance, involved me going off with my | | | | the boat and I'll learn how you do it!" |
| boss who was a surveyor, diver, salvage and | | | | Angrily, he snatched my little toffee hammer, |
| boat repairman, to an old decrepit houseboat to | | | | threw it on the ground and started to rap on the |
| check out a serious leak. Irvine, my boss, had | | | | boat with his knuckles. After he'd done that for |
| pulled up a hatch in the floor and shone his torch | | | | about two feet he'd hurt his hand enough to stop. |
| into the flooded bilges. | | | | "Now you..come on, you are ze clever surveyor!" |
| "Where's your automatic bilge pumps?" said Irvine. | | | | "No, no," I said, "You are going a good job, only |
| "Haven't got none," shrugged the man. | | | | another thirty feet left." |
| "Just turn the pump on by hand when it gits t' the | | | | After another two knuckle bruising minutes he'd |
| level of the floorboards." | | | | really had enough. |
| Suddenly the man's wife piped up behind him, | | | | "Now I gotta go to ze toilet, now you finish it off!" |
| "Why dontcha tell 'im the truth, he's bin sleeping | | | | "OK," I said and started to tap the hull with my |
| wiv his arm out the bed for years. When 'is hand | | | | knuckles. He waited until he was satisfied and then |
| gets wet, 'e gets up and turns the pump on. 'Cept | | | | rushed off. I grabbed my wooden mallet and said |
| the other night he came back from the pub | | | | to the client. "Keep a look out and call me when |
| drunk, the water level crept up 'is arm, he peed | | | | he's back!" |
| the bed, woke 'imself up and if he hadn't of, we | | | | Sure enough within a couple of moments I found |
| would 'ave sunk…that's why your 'ere." | | | | what our little man had been trying to conceal all |
| Priceless stuff …. How could you keep a | | | | along, the whole keel had been hastily and |
| straight face. | | | | recently replaced with softwood and rotted out. |
| However, I must admit I have had my moments | | | | When he returned I said, |
| and a classic, which I think about often, is the | | | | "It's a good method the knuckle rap, I don't think |
| houseboat for sale on the Gold Coast. The client | | | | I would have discovered this rotted keel without |
| had seen the advert in the local paper "Houseboat | | | | it," and smiled sweetly. |
| for sale, $7,000, needs a handyman." Agreeing to | | | | He knew… I knew… he was |
| meet him at the beach location we were soon | | | | mad… I was relieved… game over! |
| both pretty speechless. It needed a handyman all | | | | I could live to fight another day!! |
| right, there it was just the cabin top poking out of | | | | One of the worst things for a surveyor is when a |
| the water…sunk! The owner even rang | | | | client brings 'learned friends' along to 'help out the |
| later to see how the survey had | | | | surveyor'. It is something you really don't need |
| gone…what a nerve! | | | | and you have to put your foot down with a firm |
| Many great moments on surveys arrive | | | | hand. What folks don't realise is that it is a very |
| unexpectedly. I was at Hope Harbor on a very | | | | nerve wracking and often an emotional time for |
| smart, large 'Taiwan Trawler' vessel, in beautiful | | | | the selling owner. They often don't want to sell |
| condition for its year. The owner was very trim, | | | | their pride and joy and the last thing they need is |
| smart and wore large gold rings on his fingers and | | | | an army of strangers willfully vandalizing their boat. |
| incessantly smoked large cigars, although always | | | | One horrible day this happened and the client who |
| out on deck. Once again, he was a fearsomely | | | | had requested the survey was accompanied by |
| proud owner and was airily proclaiming how much | | | | at least four burly boaties armed with pointy |
| he had spent on maintenance and upkeep of his | | | | things and all encompassing knowledge. As the |
| smart boat. Truly, he had spent thousands and he | | | | boat was slipped, my client and his mates all |
| was most eager when I asked to inspect the | | | | charged forward and started chipping and hacking |
| chain locker and winch. I removed the hatch and | | | | away at the exposed rudder, props and bottom. I |
| was amazed to see a gleaming new pile of shiny | | | | was left standing next to a man that was clearly |
| 3/8 stainless steel anchor chain. | | | | the owner. He was red with rage and shouted at |
| He was beside himself with pride and he puffed | | | | me, |
| himself up when he said, | | | | "Which one of those bastards is the surveyor?" |
| "Three grand that were….plus fifteen | | | | Silently, I pointed to my chest, "Me, actually." |
| hundred for the stainless anchor, up top." | | | | He charged off swearing horribly and dispersed |
| I wasn't just impressed but amazed when my | | | | the mob with threats too horrible to hear, ripping |
| searching fingers found the loose end of the chain | | | | knives out of their hands and with fierce shoves. |
| and the loose shackle next to it. Quickly realizing | | | | Needless to say, they all sloped off to the pub |
| he must have forgotten to attach the brand new | | | | somewhere and thankfully stayed out of sight. |
| chain to the boat, I seized the moment, withdrew | | | | You just don't do that sort of thing do you? |
| the shiny shackle and said seriously, | | | | Now, all this stuff doesn't happen every day but |
| "Mm, well if you ever do put this nice new chain | | | | you can bet your boots something's always |
| into that dirty old water, you'd better remember | | | | around the corner. Often it is scary, other times |
| to tie it on with this!" and I dropped it into his | | | | embarrassing but every now and again something |
| hand. | | | | pops up and brings a bit of sunshine into the life |
| Realisation dawning, he sagged visibly. | | | | of a poor downtrodden, much maligned old dog of |
| "Ooh, bloody hell" with a trace of a Yorkshire | | | | a surveyor!! Who knows, one day I might even |
| accent, "Ooh, you won't tell the wife about this, | | | | write a book about it all when the mental scars |
| will ya?" | | | | have finally healed over! |