| One of the most fascinating aspects of Marine | | | | is never far away. One awful day a couple of |
| Surveying is that on the day of inspection | | | | years ago I had a survey on a large powerboat |
| you never really know what you are in for. I | | | | for a Doctor client. From the moment we met |
| have been involved, one way or another, with | | | | my client had largely ignored me and brought |
| all kinds of boats for over thirty years and | | | | along some posh mates for the survey day. It |
| I reckon the motto of the surveyor should be | | | | was clear from minute one he had his own |
| "expect the unexpected". In a deadly serious | | | | agenda and when I had tried to explain the |
| business where people's lives and tens of | | | | vessel was now considered a workplace and all |
| thousands of other people's dollars are at | | | | through the pre-inspection drill I was talked |
| risk, it pays to develop a few necessary | | | | down and ignored. |
| skills, patience and diplomacy amongst them, | | | | |
| when dealing with often tense and sometimes | | | | Finally, he grandly stood up and handed |
| downright hostile situations. | | | | everyone a sheet of paper and said, |
| | | | |
| My early associations with boats began on the | | | | "Right ho, you do your survey, we'll do ours |
| River Thames where my boat building life was | | | | and we will meet on the bridge in an hour to |
| in the mud and freezing mists of various | | | | compare notes." |
| boatyards. The figure of the surveyor was | | | | |
| different then. He wore a tie, clean clothes | | | | With that, off he rushed and fell immediately |
| and was treated with that rare commodity, | | | | down the engine hatch and disappeared. |
| respect. His word was law, you didn't argue | | | | Thunderstruck, we hauled him out after his |
| with him, he had knowledge and even the | | | | doctor yachtie mates pronounced him unhurt |
| crusty old shipwrights nodded to him and | | | | apart from severe winding and bruises. He |
| scuttled about when 'the surveyor' came to | | | | was extremely lucky not to have been severely |
| visit. That these venerable figures had | | | | hurt and was shaken enough to meekly hand |
| anything so outlandish a thing as a sense of | | | | over the reigns to me once more. |
| humour was inconceivable. One drizzly grey | | | | |
| morning, an important customer was having his | | | | "Well," I murmured consolingly, "this really |
| pride and joy up on the slips and the pompous | | | | is what I am here to do in the first place." |
| owner was giving everyone a hard time. The | | | | |
| surveyor was expected and it was clear the | | | | Secretly, I had been terrified he had broken |
| owner was on edge and determined to appear in | | | | his back in the fall….phew, what a day! |
| charge. | | | | |
| | | | In many cases, surveyors encounter total |
| When the surveyor arrived the owner made a | | | | hostility from the boat owner and if the |
| beeline straight for him and in a | | | | broker conspires with him, God help you. I |
| condescending manner bellowed, | | | | was at Manly and had to inspect a beautiful |
| | | | timber Halvorsen Cruiser. The owner, a |
| "Where have you been, I am in a hurry and | | | | German was glaring at me and wouldn't even |
| can't hang about all day. There's nothing | | | | return my greeting. The broker, someone I |
| wrong with this boat, it's perfect everywhere | | | | hadn't met before, clearly was the spokesman |
| and doesn't even need a survey, we just need | | | | for them. |
| it re-insured." | | | | |
| | | | "Don't take too long, don't touch or damage |
| The surveyor said nothing, proceeded | | | | anything and don't expect to find anything |
| immediately and carried out a long and | | | | wrong with the boat, he is a retired boat |
| thorough inspection. Finally, he finished | | | | builder and he won't appreciate any |
| and slowly screwed the top onto his Parker | | | | meddling!" |
| Fountain pen. A hush fell over the yard as | | | | |
| the surveyor and owner faced each other. | | | | We hauled the boat on the slip and I was |
| | | | about to sound the bottom with the wooden |
| "Well, what's the verdict, eh, Mister | | | | hammer end when the bristling owner |
| surveyor?" snorted the owner. | | | | confronted me…. |
| | | | |
| The surveyor looked him in the eye and loudly | | | | "Vot choo gonna do vis dat?" |
| but slowly replied, | | | | |
| | | | "…Well, I am going to…" |
| "The garboards rotted, the frames are cracked | | | | |
| and the only thing holding that bloody thing | | | | "Don't choo bloody toucha zis boat vis dat |
| afloat is the worms holding hands, get it | | | | hammer, no knife, no bloody spike, doan go |
| fixed….ten quid please!" | | | | near it!" |
| | | | |
| He handed the gob smacked owner his invoice, | | | | "Ok then, tell me how I am supposed to sound |
| turned on his heel and swept off back to his | | | | the timber, you are a boat builder aren't |
| old black Morris! Fantastic! I never forgot | | | | you?" |
| that and I never dreamed in those days I | | | | |
| would actually end up being a surveyor but | | | | "OK mate, you test ze boat vis your knuckle |
| here I am and I must admit there can be some | | | | like zis!" and he rapped on the boats bottom. |
| funny things every now and then. | | | | "Like zis, get it!" |
| | | | |
| Another instance, involved me going off with | | | | "Ok" I said handing him the hammer, "You |
| my boss who was a surveyor, diver, salvage | | | | survey the boat and I'll learn how you do |
| and boat repairman, to an old decrepit | | | | it!" |
| houseboat to check out a serious leak. | | | | |
| Irvine, my boss, had pulled up a hatch in the | | | | Angrily, he snatched my little toffee hammer, |
| floor and shone his torch into the flooded | | | | threw it on the ground and started to rap on |
| bilges. | | | | the boat with his knuckles. After he'd done |
| | | | that for about two feet he'd hurt his hand |
| "Where's your automatic bilge pumps?" said | | | | enough to stop. |
| Irvine. | | | | |
| | | | "Now you..come on, you are ze clever |
| "Haven't got none," shrugged the man. | | | | surveyor!" |
| | | | |
| "Just turn the pump on by hand when it gits | | | | "No, no," I said, "You are going a good job, |
| t' the level of the floorboards." | | | | only another thirty feet left." |
| | | | |
| Suddenly the man's wife piped up behind him, | | | | After another two knuckle bruising minutes |
| | | | he'd really had enough. |
| "Why dontcha tell 'im the truth, he's bin | | | | |
| sleeping wiv his arm out the bed for years. | | | | "Now I gotta go to ze toilet, now you finish |
| When 'is hand gets wet, 'e gets up and turns | | | | it off!" |
| the pump on. 'Cept the other night he came | | | | |
| back from the pub drunk, the water level | | | | "OK," I said and started to tap the hull with |
| crept up 'is arm, he peed the bed, woke | | | | my knuckles. He waited until he was |
| 'imself up and if he hadn't of, we would 'ave | | | | satisfied and then rushed off. I grabbed my |
| sunk…that's why your 'ere." | | | | wooden mallet and said to the client. "Keep a |
| | | | look out and call me when he's back!" |
| Priceless stuff …. How could you keep a | | | | |
| straight face. | | | | Sure enough within a couple of moments I |
| | | | found what our little man had been trying to |
| However, I must admit I have had my moments | | | | conceal all along, the whole keel had been |
| and a classic, which I think about often, is | | | | hastily and recently replaced with softwood |
| the houseboat for sale on the Gold Coast. | | | | and rotted out. When he returned I said, |
| The client had seen the advert in the local | | | | |
| paper "Houseboat for sale, $7,000, needs a | | | | "It's a good method the knuckle rap, I don't |
| handyman." Agreeing to meet him at the beach | | | | think I would have discovered this rotted |
| location we were soon both pretty speechless. | | | | keel without it," and smiled sweetly. |
| It needed a handyman all right, there it was | | | | |
| just the cabin top poking out of the | | | | He knew… I knew… he was |
| water…sunk! The owner even rang later | | | | mad… I was relieved… game over! |
| to see how the survey had gone…what a | | | | I could live to fight another day!! |
| nerve! | | | | |
| | | | One of the worst things for a surveyor is |
| Many great moments on surveys arrive | | | | when a client brings 'learned friends' along |
| unexpectedly. I was at Hope Harbor on a very | | | | to 'help out the surveyor'. It is something |
| smart, large 'Taiwan Trawler' vessel, in | | | | you really don't need and you have to put |
| beautiful condition for its year. The owner | | | | your foot down with a firm hand. What folks |
| was very trim, smart and wore large gold | | | | don't realise is that it is a very nerve |
| rings on his fingers and incessantly smoked | | | | wracking and often an emotional time for the |
| large cigars, although always out on deck. | | | | selling owner. They often don't want to sell |
| Once again, he was a fearsomely proud owner | | | | their pride and joy and the last thing they |
| and was airily proclaiming how much he had | | | | need is an army of strangers willfully |
| spent on maintenance and upkeep of his smart | | | | vandalizing their boat. One horrible day |
| boat. Truly, he had spent thousands and he | | | | this happened and the client who had |
| was most eager when I asked to inspect the | | | | requested the survey was accompanied by at |
| chain locker and winch. I removed the hatch | | | | least four burly boaties armed with pointy |
| and was amazed to see a gleaming new pile of | | | | things and all encompassing knowledge. As the |
| shiny 3/8 stainless steel anchor chain. | | | | boat was slipped, my client and his mates all |
| | | | charged forward and started chipping and |
| He was beside himself with pride and he | | | | hacking away at the exposed rudder, props and |
| puffed himself up when he said, | | | | bottom. I was left standing next to a man |
| | | | that was clearly the owner. He was red with |
| "Three grand that were….plus fifteen | | | | rage and shouted at me, |
| hundred for the stainless anchor, up top." | | | | |
| | | | "Which one of those bastards is the |
| I wasn't just impressed but amazed when my | | | | surveyor?" |
| searching fingers found the loose end of the | | | | |
| chain and the loose shackle next to it. | | | | Silently, I pointed to my chest, "Me, |
| Quickly realizing he must have forgotten to | | | | actually." |
| attach the brand new chain to the boat, I | | | | |
| seized the moment, withdrew the shiny shackle | | | | He charged off swearing horribly and |
| and said seriously, | | | | dispersed the mob with threats too horrible |
| | | | to hear, ripping knives out of their hands |
| "Mm, well if you ever do put this nice new | | | | and with fierce shoves. Needless to say, |
| chain into that dirty old water, you'd better | | | | they all sloped off to the pub somewhere and |
| remember to tie it on with this!" and I | | | | thankfully stayed out of sight. You just |
| dropped it into his hand. | | | | don't do that sort of thing do you? |
| | | | |
| Realisation dawning, he sagged visibly. | | | | Now, all this stuff doesn't happen every day |
| | | | but you can bet your boots something's always |
| "Ooh, bloody hell" with a trace of a | | | | around the corner. Often it is scary, other |
| Yorkshire accent, "Ooh, you won't tell the | | | | times embarrassing but every now and again |
| wife about this, will ya?" | | | | something pops up and brings a bit of |
| | | | sunshine into the life of a poor downtrodden, |
| You'd give a grand in cash to relive a moment | | | | much maligned old dog of a surveyor!! Who |
| like that, wouldn't you? He was very quiet | | | | knows, one day I might even write a book |
| for the rest of the survey. | | | | about it all when the mental scars have |
| | | | finally healed over! |
| Disaster is always lurking for the unwary and | | | | |