| I've attended more than my share of funerals | | | | .04 "Who gets to keep the ashes?" As weird |
| and memorial services over the last couple of | | | | as this question sounds, it popped up not |
| years. As a result, I've compiled a list of | | | | long ago at a memorial service I attended. |
| questions that I've overheard and which I | | | | The recently departed hadn't left |
| don't think are appropriate for such solemn | | | | instructions as to the disposal of his |
| occasions. Here's the list in no particular | | | | remains after the cremation. Legally, of |
| order: | | | | course, the ashes would have gone to the |
| | | | wife. In this case she didn't want them |
| .01 "Can I have his bass boat? I'll pay | | | | because she was going to Hawaii to mourn |
| you for it of course, but I'm sure Steve | | | | alone. The thought of him sitting on the |
| would have wanted me to have it at a very | | | | mantle piece back home while she caught a few |
| reasonable price. After all, we've been | | | | rays, would have even further dampened the |
| friends for all these years." This question | | | | grieving process. She gave them to his |
| to the widow of a fishing buddy of mine is | | | | daughter who asked the age old question, |
| not altogether a heartless attempt to get a | | | | "What am I going to do with them?" |
| good buy on a boat. After all, the departed | | | | |
| had recently installed a new depth finder and | | | | .05 "Are you going to be dating soon?" I |
| sonar equipment! Better still, dear old | | | | actually heard this one at a memorial service |
| Steve's memory would be fishing along side us | | | | of a young man who had died suddenly in a car |
| when we hit the crappie beds in the spring. | | | | crash. The widow was understandably |
| | | | distraught and fainted as the thoughtless |
| As any true fishermen know, wives do not | | | | clod who asked the question looked around as |
| really appreciate the boat in which her dear | | | | if to say, "Was it something I said?" |
| departed husband spent so many hours | | | | |
| relaxing. She just sees it as something that | | | | .06 "How exactly did he die?" Juicy details |
| took him away from her so often. This is the | | | | are always asked for at funerals. Maybe it's |
| time to make a deal on the boat! | | | | just the ghoul in us that makes us so |
| | | | tactless in the midst of grieving. There are |
| .02 "He looks so life like and peaceful." | | | | always those who get turned on talking about |
| No Way! Dead folks I've seen in caskets at | | | | death and dying. There's one at every |
| funerals I've attended did not look | | | | funeral. |
| life-like!. I'm not trying to be | | | | |
| insensitive, but the fact is that's not them | | | | The situation is similar to the looky loos |
| in the box! It's just a shell and if I was | | | | you see stopping on the side of the road near |
| lying there with all kinds of people looking | | | | a serious automobile accident hoping to see a |
| down on me, I would really be insulted if | | | | decapitated corpse, giving them a tidbit of |
| they thought that was how I appeared while I | | | | news for anyone who will listen. |
| was living! | | | | |
| | | | .07 "Did he have life insurance?" This one |
| .03 "How are you holding up?" How is the | | | | is a winner! Once again the morbid curiosity |
| bereaved supposed to answer? "I feel | | | | of man comes shining through a difficult |
| wonderful? I thought the miserable s.o.b. | | | | situation. Usually this is asked of a widow. |
| would never die! Life is great!" Most of us | | | | I wish I could hear a reply such as this," |
| simply would answer as I have, "I'm getting | | | | Yes he did; quite a lot in fact. He wasn't |
| along. Tomorrow will be better!" This is | | | | much good at anything while he was alive, but |
| one of the more stupid questions that is | | | | he was smart enough to have enough insurance |
| asked of the bereaved at almost every funeral | | | | to keep paying his insurance premiums. That |
| and memorial service as a show of compassion. | | | | money will keep me living on the beach in |
| As much as I hate to admit it, I'm guilty of | | | | luxury for the rest of my life!" That would |
| this one and probably will ask it again. | | | | be a great response wouldn't it? |
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