| I've attended more than my share of funerals | | | | this question sounds, it popped up not long ago at |
| and memorial services over the last couple of | | | | a memorial service I attended. The recently |
| years. As a result, I've compiled a list of questions | | | | departed hadn't left instructions as to the disposal |
| that I've overheard and which I don't think are | | | | of his remains after the cremation. Legally, of |
| appropriate for such solemn occasions. Here's the | | | | course, the ashes would have gone to the wife. |
| list in no particular order: | | | | In this case she didn't want them because she |
| .01 "Can I have his bass boat? I'll pay you for it of | | | | was going to Hawaii to mourn alone. The thought |
| course, but I'm sure Steve would have wanted | | | | of him sitting on the mantle piece back home |
| me to have it at a very reasonable price. After | | | | while she caught a few rays, would have even |
| all, we've been friends for all these years." This | | | | further dampened the grieving process. She gave |
| question to the widow of a fishing buddy of mine | | | | them to his daughter who asked the age old |
| is not altogether a heartless attempt to get a | | | | question, "What am I going to do with them?" |
| good buy on a boat. After all, the departed had | | | | .05 "Are you going to be dating soon?" I actually |
| recently installed a new depth finder and sonar | | | | heard this one at a memorial service of a young |
| equipment! Better still, dear old Steve's memory | | | | man who had died suddenly in a car crash. The |
| would be fishing along side us when we hit the | | | | widow was understandably distraught and fainted |
| crappie beds in the spring. | | | | as the thoughtless clod who asked the question |
| As any true fishermen know, wives do not really | | | | looked around as if to say, "Was it something I |
| appreciate the boat in which her dear departed | | | | said?" |
| husband spent so many hours relaxing. She just | | | | .06 "How exactly did he die?" Juicy details are |
| sees it as something that took him away from | | | | always asked for at funerals. Maybe it's just the |
| her so often. This is the time to make a deal on | | | | ghoul in us that makes us so tactless in the midst |
| the boat! | | | | of grieving. There are always those who get |
| .02 "He looks so life like and peaceful." No Way! | | | | turned on talking about death and dying. There's |
| Dead folks I've seen in caskets at funerals I've | | | | one at every funeral. |
| attended did not look life-like!. I'm not trying to be | | | | The situation is similar to the looky loos you see |
| insensitive, but the fact is that's not them in the | | | | stopping on the side of the road near a serious |
| box! It's just a shell and if I was lying there with all | | | | automobile accident hoping to see a decapitated |
| kinds of people looking down on me, I would really | | | | corpse, giving them a tidbit of news for anyone |
| be insulted if they thought that was how I | | | | who will listen. |
| appeared while I was living! | | | | .07 "Did he have life insurance?" This one is a |
| .03 "How are you holding up?" How is the | | | | winner! Once again the morbid curiosity of man |
| bereaved supposed to answer? "I feel wonderful? | | | | comes shining through a difficult situation. Usually |
| I thought the miserable s.o.b. would never die! Life | | | | this is asked of a widow. I wish I could hear a |
| is great!" Most of us simply would answer as I | | | | reply such as this," Yes he did; quite a lot in fact. |
| have, "I'm getting along. Tomorrow will be better!" | | | | He wasn't much good at anything while he was |
| This is one of the more stupid questions that is | | | | alive, but he was smart enough to have enough |
| asked of the bereaved at almost every funeral | | | | insurance to keep paying his insurance premiums. |
| and memorial service as a show of compassion. | | | | That money will keep me living on the beach in |
| As much as I hate to admit it, I'm guilty of this | | | | luxury for the rest of my life!" That would be a |
| one and probably will ask it again. | | | | great response wouldn't it? |
| .04 "Who gets to keep the ashes?" As weird as | | | | |